Wooly McNooly's blog

Sad

My head hurts, my eyeballs hurt.

I know I don't deal with my emotions as they arrive, I know I hold things back and pretend things don't happen... so when little problems arise, they seem bigger than what they are.

I just don't know how to deal with shit when it arrives. I'm hoping that when I live alone, when I don't have to hide... I will be better able to do it.

God forbid when I was a kid, I should express any emotions, especially around certain people. So I already know where this stems from.

Sighs.

I'll never be able to look at a killer python without thinking of you... coffee, white with two, NO LID!... next home game is gonna be so fucking weird without your face popping up for a feed. RIP to my best customer. We'll all miss you, more than you probably would ever have realised.

Eeee.

I'm... I don't know.

Freaking out a bit.

Always prone to exaggerate and think ahead and be paranoid but...

Terrified I'm a mental mistress.

I don't know if he's just flirting anymore. Or if I misinterpret genuine friendly concern for something more.

I don't hate it.

I can guarantee 100% I will not shag him.

But I can't gaurentee 100% that this wont get messy.

Good lord.

I don't think I can stop this? So I'll start building the fall out shelter.

I can't help it...

... if I'm irresistible ;-)

I am not bad.

I keep seeing things... people 'liking' groups on Facebook, people making comments, stuff on TV... about how bad home wreckers are.

I keep... feeling a little freaked out.

I'm not a home wrecker. I have not laid a finger upon him, nor has he laid one upon me. I have never instigated any inapproppriate conversations. I don't think I've even really made any comments that could be interpreted too badly? But he's made plenty.

He makes sure I know he's looking, and that he likes what he sees.

Sure, I dress to accentuate my figure, whether he be around or not, and hell yes, I notice him noticing - am I expected (as a single lass) to dress in a burka because some married guy is making eyes at me?

So why do I feel bad? Like I'm somehow responsible for his behavior?

Probably because I know it reflects badly on me. In spite of everything, somehow I will be pegged as the one in the wrong. His wife, if she ever works it out (and I'll know when she does!) will certainly blame me. And she's very noisy with her opinion. Is this a situation of 'the woman is always the slut, the man the stud' or is this situational? I have no idea. But I'm convinced I'm the one who'll cop it.

And there's naught I can do to remove this situation too... the two situations we find ourselves in, are ones I can't avoid. In both, I'm entirely stationary and he comes to me.

Like he's always come to me.

I suspect... this feeling of 'the other woman' harks back to a situation in my past, very similar, where I was also tagged with that unplesant label.

The fact that this has happened twice in my short life is a concern - do I have the wrong sort of friends, do I have the right friends who go for the wrong sort of women, or am *I* the wrong sort of woman? Perhaps I am a prick tease, dragging men along in my wake with the promise of more that I never intend to produce?

Perplexing.

I enjoy the attention. Where does enjoy end, and encourage start?

Manic.

Here's a concept: my metabolism understands my needs to feel sexy, wanted, required.

I swear that with the appearance of this young lad (whose interest in moi I completely blew out of proportion, I'm sure) as well as the ongoing carrying ons of my ex, I have stopped the weight gain rot and quite possibly started dropping a bit. Or at very least, I seem to have toned up.

I don't believe I've made any changes... not to my diet particularly, or my exercise. The only thing I can come up with is burning off calories with nervous energy.

It's like my body has suddenly decided "Hey! Someone is LOOKING AT US. QUICK. DE-LARD!"

And it got me thinking... hang on a minute. I started putting on weight when I was all alone and not flirting with anyone, or feeling like anyone was flirting with me? And yet I don't recollect making any diet or exercise alterations whatsoever (well, not in the last blah years). It's like the endorphins or whatever in my brain suddenly start to celebrate, and require me to change my body shape, through no conscious request of my own.

How awesome is that?

I just wish I always felt loved - so I could get my bikini bod back.

Everyone thinks I'm slim... they have no idea the multitude of sins I hide by dressing properly, to suit my body.

Baby steps, both forwards and backwards

Who knows where to start?

Backwards steps.

Social anxiety, crazy attacks today. Rolling attacks, instead of just one that goes away, it was just... again and again. I couldn't stop it. If I had just thrown up the first time instead of heaving, it might've, but it was just sitting there... threatening... my stomach hurt and somewhat unusually, I became extremely light headed to the point I thought I was going to faint. Which I don't usually do. So this was a doozie.

I know the trigger, and he was sitting within 10m of my car. Which made him tres hard to avoid. This all means now that next time I'm in a forced situation that I can't get out of, and I know he'll be there... I'm going to throw a goddamn attack.

And my mate was geeing me up about him, and now she feels like she caused the attack by teasing me. Which sucks. But brings me to...

Forward steps.

This is the first time I've had an attack in front of someone, and actually admitted it. Esp. whilst it was happening. I don't talk about it in real life, I don't discuss it or what I can do about it. I just pretend it doesn't exist, I see it as a weakness, a failure on my behalf. Her confusion was what I expected.

Of course in a way this made it harder, as everytime she approached me I started again because now, SHE was judging me for it which is a trigger. But I was able to talk to her and settle the worst of it down. I'm hoping this means that in future, now she knows and understands, it means I will feel more comfortable - this will actually cut an attack off at the pass.

I am scared now...

That my friend will judge me and find me lacking. I suppose this will mean she's not much of a friend.

That this guy who triggered the attack will continue to trigger attacks, meaning that the situations in which we meet on a semi regular basis - inc. my job - will in turn trigger attacks.

That I will go backwards now with my anxiety, returning to freaking out about things that I had otherwise calmed down about.

Good news?

I should lose a few kg's now, and I could certainly afford that.

Here's the rub...

I really don't think that guys and girls are cut out to be 'just friends'... unless they're both in stable relationships.

In my personal experience, one almost certainly will, at some stage, become romantically interested in the other - assuming that at least one is single. Occasionally not even single. How messy it becomes varies on whether or not the fallen party shares their feelings with the one they fell for.

Shared = discomfort and no restraint in becoming an arsehat when you don't get your own way.

Hidden = misery which changes behaviour, which in turn changes friendships whilst the other party is tyring to work out exactly what crawled up the others arse and dropped off the perch.

Sometimes it works out, but rarely.

I think... (disclaimer: THINK.) that two people who are not in any sort of seri0us relationships with others, who are opposite sexes and friends will often fall into some sort of strange, almost relationship-replacement with each other. You will use this person to vent to, to celebrate with, to go over the meaningless drivel of your day... it's like a relationship without the physical intimacy. Acceptance without the alleged ability to hurt.

Therein lies the rub.

I find that these pseudo-relationships can often be the worst. When one party actively finds a mate, or someone who has the potential to be a mate, they rightfully have no issue with celebrating this fact and discussing it - ad naeseum - with their friend. But I find that these relationships often come with some sort of proprietary aspects - you end up feeling like you own that person, as they know you so well, you've shared a lot - and you become reluctant to share them with others. It's almost as if they are cheating on you. You don't want to friggen hear about it.

Ideally... both parties need to hook up with other people (pref. not the same one - ha!) at the same time. Like that happens. No harm, no foul.

I find myself in this situation a lot, because... I don't know. I cling to others due to my inability to actually maintain a 'real' relationship. And if it's not me being clingy, it's them because I give a lot of myself in a friendship,emotionally - perhaps too much, resulting in them feeling like they know me almost intimately.

Sighs.

I'm surprised I wasn't more keen to jump on the concept of a relationship with this new, random man. As it just dawned on me that he shares physical similarities to someone from my past, someone I've failed to successfully put behind me. Instead I tryto merge him with another, create a super-dude. Fail. Get your emotions channeled into the right places, Wooly.

Ah ha.

Thank you blog. You have once again helped me to talk my away 'round to what I needed to know, by being my ever loyal listener, you have allowed me to think and ponder and bitch my way there, in the end.

So that solves that riddle! Which is good. Bad news is, the answer is worse than the question. So much worse.

In a fashion.

Just go away.

God I piss myself off sometimes.

No matter how unrealistic, how stupid, how silly my thoughts are, I can’t battle them. They leap around my head like demented rabbits on crack.

I’m obsessing again, obsessing over things I don’t actually want. But because I have a feeling, an inkling that he desires me? Suddenly I can’t stop thinking about him – a guy I’ve known of for years now, a guy who has held no interest to me whatsoever. But a few compliments, a smile, a touch and suddenly… I’m like a teenager at a Justin Beiber concert.

And I really, truly, honestly don’t want a relationship with him. He’s everything I don’t want and probably nothing that I do. But… gnnnnh!

My poor brain.

Shut up brain.

I don’t like you very much, brain.

I have my suspicions that this… this is sort of a culmination of things. I have been puttering along in life, happily single, not feeling typically lonely and suddenly this. Perhaps it was the big birthday. Perhaps it was the ex stepping back up with all his wonderfully wrong compliments and shit and reminding me of what I had with him, what I’m missing out of my life. Perhaps it’s because his behavior reminds me of my ex, at the start of our relationship when it was exciting. Yes. I suspect that’s probably a big part.

I like my attention from safe men. You’re not a safe man.

An open letter to you;

You’re driving me crazy – no wait. You’re not. I’m driving me crazy.

Please… don’t go there. You seem like a nice bloke, nice enough that I don’t want to fuck up your opinion of me. I’m happy with this casual flirting, this concept. I’m not happy with feeling like around ever corner lurks another chance to make someone think I’m a complete psycho bitch, a frosty box.

Right now, I feel like you’re on the cusp of making some sort of move and that scares me. Because I don’t want to let someone else down. You’ll be happier with me as a chick you see sometimes, to compliment. I’m not girlfriend material.

Stalk, stalk.

Lonely.

I just realised, I'm lonely. And not the sort of lonely you might expect from a single lass of my age.

I'm lonely for female company... ha ha. No. Not lesbian female company.

I have all this shit going down in my life in the last week... some of it I can share with any good friend, male or female, other stuff I find that it's hard to explain to men. No matter how hard they try, they're just not thinking of it along the same way I am?

I find them getting bored with the conversation.

I find that they just want to put a guy-spin on it when I don't.

I find that women want to analyse all the silly details with me, let me rehash it and try and work it out...

This is not to say that men are no good to discuss things with - that would be completely untrue and honestly, I prefer to talk to men about most topics. Just not this one.

I have no female friends... no one to talk girl stuff with, analyse, rehash, whatever. I bearly have any male friends anymore. I just feel lonely for friendship.

Arrrrgh!

Get out of my HEAD!

Like a new relationships, thoughts are lingering around every corner, and when my mind is idle it gallops backwards.

Some weird collaboration of people.

Stirred up because of a shared emotion.

I yearn for safety. Safety and affection: mutually exclusive.