Just go away.

God I piss myself off sometimes.

No matter how unrealistic, how stupid, how silly my thoughts are, I can’t battle them. They leap around my head like demented rabbits on crack.

I’m obsessing again, obsessing over things I don’t actually want. But because I have a feeling, an inkling that he desires me? Suddenly I can’t stop thinking about him – a guy I’ve known of for years now, a guy who has held no interest to me whatsoever. But a few compliments, a smile, a touch and suddenly… I’m like a teenager at a Justin Beiber concert.

And I really, truly, honestly don’t want a relationship with him. He’s everything I don’t want and probably nothing that I do. But… gnnnnh!

My poor brain.

Shut up brain.

I don’t like you very much, brain.

I have my suspicions that this… this is sort of a culmination of things. I have been puttering along in life, happily single, not feeling typically lonely and suddenly this. Perhaps it was the big birthday. Perhaps it was the ex stepping back up with all his wonderfully wrong compliments and shit and reminding me of what I had with him, what I’m missing out of my life. Perhaps it’s because his behavior reminds me of my ex, at the start of our relationship when it was exciting. Yes. I suspect that’s probably a big part.

I like my attention from safe men. You’re not a safe man.

An open letter to you;

You’re driving me crazy – no wait. You’re not. I’m driving me crazy.

Please… don’t go there. You seem like a nice bloke, nice enough that I don’t want to fuck up your opinion of me. I’m happy with this casual flirting, this concept. I’m not happy with feeling like around ever corner lurks another chance to make someone think I’m a complete psycho bitch, a frosty box.

Right now, I feel like you’re on the cusp of making some sort of move and that scares me. Because I don’t want to let someone else down. You’ll be happier with me as a chick you see sometimes, to compliment. I’m not girlfriend material.

Stalk, stalk.

Comments

[msbeesy]

Give yourself a break and distract, distract, distract. Oh I know this crazy bullshit, better than I wish I did. That giddy enjoyment that comes from fantasising about what might be going to happen and worrying about what might be going to happen, until the noise in your head is so loud, you wouldn't know if a volcano was erupting behind you.

breathe. pause, relax. it will all be ok in the end.
You're gonna be fine.
You're more awesome than you give credit, and you know what, if he did make a move, your world wouldn't end.

In solidarity.

[Wooly McNooly]

:)

It will be fine - I'm pushing feelings onto this dude that don't belong to him. That's my problem. Meh.