Wooly McNooly's blog

I'm back - but for how long?

Surprise!

I am back. Here feels so familiar. It was weird being away.

I just... was over my inner thoughts being made so public. But then I ran away and realised that the only way my thoughts, my opinions, my FEELINGS would ever be aired publically was a blog that was at least occasionally perused.

I have successfully managed to ensure that I have no one around me with which to share my thoughts and feelings. I don't have any real life friends to talk to on a semi regular basis, I have no online friends, no workmates, nada. It's sad and frustrating. And there's a lot of shit going down in my life right now that I could really use a friend to discuss.

So where do I start?

At the beginning?

Sorry, dudes.

I sincerely apologise to all the men in the world.

All this extra shit women do to make themselves look better... it's false advertising. I don't mean make up and heels, I mean 'shape wear' and fake bits. Men must feel a bit wary picking up a hot chick, lest she be very ordinary underneath. Not that I think men should be picking up chicks only due to their looks, but lets face it, no one picked up someone who was ugly just to get to KNOW them better.

Hair extensions, fake eyelashes, excessive makeup, botox, coloured contacts, collagen, padded bras, fake nails, arse lifting pants, padded arse pants (!!!), minimising clothes... and that's just the non permanent stuff. Permanent stuff doesn't annoy  me so much, as it's... permanent. Tho tattooed makeup freaks me out. For some reason spray on tans - whilst not for me - seem to slip under the radar. Possibly because tanning is a perfectly natural occurrence anyway. Tho not usually in such an orange hue...

If I was hitting up a fella and he ripped off his velcro'd on biceps and abs, I'd be pretty pissed.

I am only guilty of push up bras. I suppose not everyone can be as naturally blessed as I tho ;)

This is you.

I have been sitting here on my arse, stewing in my juices for too long now - today dawned as Time To Get Up And Do Something Useful.

The longer I sit with all my jobs, expectations and commitments around me, the worse I feel. The longer I sit and stew on things that are out of my control, the worse I feel.

Solution?

As the great John Kennedy Snr once said...

"At least DO SOMETHING! DO! Don't think, don't hope, do! At least you can come off and say 'I did this, I shepherded, I played on. At least I did something."

So now I'm doing something. And by doing something, I'm thinking about other things than those which cause me anxiety. I feel better already!

So today I...

... Contacted my teacher and organised a few things, which will hopefully force me along my reluctant path to completing my studies this year, on time.

... Contacted a business who contracts me as a supplier, and finalised some work which is very hooray worthy, as that brings in the money. And I don't care what Jessie J has to say for herself, I most certainly DO need the money, money, money. More so than I thought, it seems.

... Started to finalise the next step in My Big Project. Seeing as the current step is more or less out of my hands now (other than payment) and the next logical one after that is also out of my hands (also other than payment - see aforementioned money reference) I have finally stopped just thinking about the next one, and started taking steps. Thank fuck for the supplier work, as if all goes according to plan it will pay for the step I'm up to now. And maybe leave me enough to buy a new phone, should I want a treat.

Hooray?

It feels good to be out of my little rut. I have much to do, and being busy has always made me feel better, so much so that I always wonder at the end of it - why did I let it get so bad? The problem is I don't realise that it IS that bad, until I'm out of it. I'm never sure if it's normal, or some minor dose of depression or what.

It just feels good to be me again.

:)

I'm relying on you here, blog...

Need to sort through my thoughts, my head, try and work out why these panic attacks are being such a problem at the moment, and how to work around them if I can't work through them.

It's just so hard because I'm entirely unsure of what exactly is the trigger... I know WHO is... but why? Why is he suddenly triggering stress in me, when I've known him for 8 years now, and we've been through so much? Even now, I feel anxiety rising in my chest just thinking about it... with still no definete idea why.

And it's so BLOODY INCONVINIENT for me.

I also can't understand the timing of my anxiety. When I'm home, with no stress, just doing my own thing I should be calm... relaxed. But I'm not. I'm still feeling this anxiety, this tenseness. (Is that a word?) My shoulders draw up, my neck is sore, and I've started breathing in short, sharp breaths which has NEVER been a symptom of my anxiety before. It's like I feel like I'm under permenant threat of my trigger... then when I am somewhere near that which I percieve as a threat, I'm bordering on a full blown panic attack... then when I really am absolutely in panic territory - poof. It goes away. I am calm and ok. Until it goes. Then I fly back into panic attack territory. It makes no sense?

After fifteen years I thought I'd nutted this anxiety out... I thought I'd worked out what triggered, the symptoms, and how I could work around it - for years I was largely stress free, no full blown attacks at all, just little niggly ones to remind me. I was ok and feeling like I had it more or less under control.

So why now?

I'm feeling a touch light headed just thinking about all this.

I can't completely avoid him, nor do I want to, and I can't growl at him because the fallout will affect many more people than just he and I. I feel like I should talk to him about it but the idea of it causes me anxiety.

Goddamnit.

Change of plan

Game has changed.

Anxious day.

Why take something fun for both and make it only fun for you?

If only you knew.

A little it of everything...

All rolled into one.

Been awhile.

Feeling anxious again ATM, tension swirling in the pit of my stomach. I know it'll be gone by tomorrow night, which I suppose means I know what is causing it - or the situation, at least. What exactly my brain has tied to this situation that might be the offender, I don't know.

I have a feeling a certain amount of my anxiety these days is connected with a certain someone, someone I'm completely unsure of what is going on with. I mean, yeah ok I have some thoughts as to what is going on but... no way of verbalising them. I simply can't, I don't know how to, I don't understand what is going on in my head? Or perhaps I don't WANT to know. Or perhaps I don't want to admit it? Still, my brain has put up barriers, the moat has been filled, the drawbridge lifted, the piranhas unfed for days to make sure they're extra cranky.

Simply not happening.

So what do I know? I know that I am enjoying the attention, I know he has gone back to not being able to drive past without dropping in for a coffee and a chat, I know that he's gone back to texting and calling under other pretences. I know this has mixed up an immense number of weird feelings for me.

I know I have realised I am an attention junkie. I need it like oxygen. I can even tell you why, and it boils down to that old chestnut of never getting attention at home as a child, so you seek it out as an adult in even the most inappropriate places. Turns out I seek it from men, men I have no actual sexual interest in, I just want them to have it in me. So I feel sexy, clever, wanted, funny, blah blah blah. It helps that this man is the last man who actually meant anything to me.

Problem is that line between past and present tense is growing blurry. I think. I never can tell with me, when I get into one of these obsessive phases I'm capable of seeing things where they aren't, and doing things that seem like a good idea but in hindsight...

I really should rename this blog. It's like my anxiety outlet. As soon as I blog my thoughts and feelings, I feel better... It's like The Diary of a Social Anxiety Sufferer.

Feeling good that the next steps have been taken for My Big Project, and I'm inching ever closer to the end. I spoilt myself shopping the other day (yes! The Shopping! I usually have a panic attack leading up to this event, but I didn't this time and shit didn't that feel epic. I win!) and allowed myself to spend a little money on something I need, but I don't need yet. Been trying to avoid this as I need every dollar for now, not later but bugger it. A girl has to spoil herself every now and then. Then again the whole project is the biggest spoil I've given myself in my entire damn life.

Overall, life isn't too bad ATM. If I could only throw the anxiety thing, and get all my study in order... and more paid work, life would be grand! All good!

Good grief.

This blog entry is brought to you today courtesy of Hamish and Andy.

So I was listening to the radio recently... and the topic came up about triggers that opened the floodgates: Events in your life that caused you to go from a regular emotioned human to one who cries at  the drop of a hat. This really... pleased me, as I am one of these people and I just assumed it was life circumstances. Turns out it's 'normal'. You have a baby, you cry at ads, you lose a parent, you cry at kids in the park, you get a bad haircut, you cry at high pitched noises, whatever.

It was a running joke that I never cried, no matter how emotional the movie, whatever, I was the hardarse. Now I feel like everything makes me tear up... part and parcel of being a chick.

And no matter what the outcome... it's car crashes on TV for me. They live, I cry, they die, I cry, they end up in hospital, I cry, they walk away, I cry. Cry cry cry. Ugh.

Baked beans, broad beans, couldabeens?

I have no clue as to whether or not these following statements are really how I feel vs how I feel because I'm not included but...

I HATE people who engage in pathetic "I have a significant other, and that makes me special" comments. Like referring to their partners as "Mr/s Their Name". So in my case, he would be Mr Wooly. I mean c'mon, fuck off. How degrading is it to refer to someone as you, just with Mr or Mrs in front to signify that it's someone of the opposite sex? Like you own them? I suppose in a way it's no different from using his surname when you marry, but meanwhile it makes you look like a sad case who needs to broadcast to all and sundry that you have a partner, in some vague attempt to justify yourself as 'a cool person who is accepted by another'.

Or "Your baby says hello daddy!" whilst it's still in utero. Your baby not only has no idea you exist in order to say anything, but it also has no idea its MOTHER exists past the point it can hear muffled speech and her farting, no doubt the latter much more clearly. I'm sure if it wanted to say something to you, it would be more likely to say "Stop boning this thing I'm living in whilst I'm in here, you're giving me a headache, douche!"

I'm also really, REALLY not a fan of ending every phone conversation with "Love you!"... no shit. You married them. I'd like to think you did, and I'm not entirely sure why you feel the urge to repeat it, ad naeusum. And I desperately would love to know if you do it when there's no audience around. Because I always have a feeling it's more to do with what others hear, than you actually meaning it.

Funnily enough I'm also NOT a fan of public displays of affection. I mean hardcore ones.  I have no problem with hand holding and the like. But people who have to suck face everytime they part company to go to the toilet, or duck outside for a fag, or because someone else has called them over for a convo. Please. Watching to share lunch AFTER YOU'VE EATEN IT is not something the rest of us really need to be subjected to.

Hrm. I never ended this entire blog to be about this... ha!

FWIW I've never done any of these things whilst in a relationship. Which I hope indicates the former, not the latter.

Meanwhile, I think the #1 man in my life broke my nose.

Let it out

Ok. Lots on my brain, simmering, no idea what to say, so eyes closed, bang it out on the keyboard as it comes to mind... see if the fingers can keep up with the brain... thank you, chosen deity, for the ability to touch type at 100wpm...

Eyes closed, fingers flying...

I'm stting hree with no idea, once again, no idea what I want to do... or at least, no idea what is the right thing to do. All these people in my life, funnily enough nearly all men, who run around in my head. I want to reconnect, or at least try to with them but I have no idea if that is the best thing to do???

I miss you all, terribly. I want to speak with you and get back what we had... but I second guess why. Is it that I miss the friendship, or I want to go back to the heady days where I built my harem around me, of men who made me feel accepted, because I can't get the acceptance from family? Who knows?

I know.

I want to feel like I mean something to somone.

And one of you have made your way back and I'm again second guessing why I have accepted  you so freely back in to my life... is it because I am lacking in the friends department, or because I want to feel loved? Even if this is by someone elses husband, a man who no longer belongs to me and hasn't for some time... and I kid myself that he feels more than what he does.

I hate this.

I'm always second guessing EVERYTHING in my head, I've always been this way.

I miss you.

I'm shitting myself that I'm falling for you again, and I really don't want to do that... seeing as I was never entirely 100% on my feelings the first time around - now I'm falling for the concept of you, not for you as a person, we both know that if I were her... you'd be doing this TO ME. Fucker.

And I find myself in this stupid position... once again... of wondering what exactly it is I'm feeling. I have my suspicions that my brain has latched onto you because you're 'safe', because I know I wont ever expect anything more of this, because I'm not 'that sort of girl' and therefore this... whatever it is will never threaten my comfort zone. That tiny, tiny little zone. I allow myself to fantasize about how great everything would be, safely knowing that it wont happen and I will never grow nor extend past this monochrome version of myself.

Sad

My head hurts, my eyeballs hurt.

I know I don't deal with my emotions as they arrive, I know I hold things back and pretend things don't happen... so when little problems arise, they seem bigger than what they are.

I just don't know how to deal with shit when it arrives. I'm hoping that when I live alone, when I don't have to hide... I will be better able to do it.

God forbid when I was a kid, I should express any emotions, especially around certain people. So I already know where this stems from.

Sighs.

I'll never be able to look at a killer python without thinking of you... coffee, white with two, NO LID!... next home game is gonna be so fucking weird without your face popping up for a feed. RIP to my best customer. We'll all miss you, more than you probably would ever have realised.